Bad Fanfic! No Biscuit!

Serpent's Passion

Formerly titled "Serpent's Shaft"1

By Katherine the Art Chick

This badfic was written by Katherine the Art Chick (email her / see her website) and involves the characters of "Stargate SG-1." The author's explanation of the badfic elements of this story is given at the end of the page. Click here to skip directly to the Notes. Or, click any footnote.

Author's notes: Well, here it is! Warning: I don't use a beta because I'm a sucky writer anyway! LOL!2

Chapter One

"Hey, Dr. Jackson, wanna fuck?"3 Colonel Jack O'Neill asked, casually sauntering into his friend's office.

"Ohmigosh Jack!"2 Daniel answered in mingled shock and delight. "I never knew two guys could do it even though I have studied ancient cultures extensively, even Greece."5

"It's easy. Put this in your mouth,"6 Jack replied helpfully, unzipping the pants of his Air Force uniform.

"Oh, Jack, I wuv you!"7 Daniel exclaimed ecstatically, falling to his knees.

Jack recoiled in horror.8 "Gah! I am so threatened by your show of emotional intimacy that I must be a total rat bastard to you for twenty-five chapters!"

"Jack!" Daniel sobbed9 as his best friend and the love of his life stormed out of his office... and his life. Well, aside from them still working together.

***23 chapters of truly horrific behavior on Jack's part later***10

Chapter 24

"We've been captured by Apophis!" Daniel exclaimed, horrified.11

"So?" Jack drawled. "How many of these damn snakeheads have we killed? It's his turn."

"So," Apophis purred dangerously at the men in chains, "you are the humans who convinced my First Prime to betray me. I'm very angry. He was the best lay I'd ever had."12

"Me, too," Jack said. "Fourteen inches. Damn. You MUST miss him."13

"Jack!" Daniel squeaked. "You CHEATED on me?"14

"God DAMN it, Daniel, we are NOT an item!" Jack snarled.15

"But I yub you!" Daniel whined.16

"Shut up, Daniel!" Jack snapped.

"If you do not desire his attentions, perhaps I should take him to replace Teal'c," Apophis suggested.17

"No!" Daniel squealed in horror. "You nasty man! You kidnapped and raped my wife!18 I'll puke my well-educated guts out if you touch me!"19

"Your wife was host to my queen. Nothing of the host survives. Well, except her body. And her memories. Amonet said that your wife remembered you being a hot lay. In fact, she often called me 'Danyel' in bed. I am anxious to discover you for myself."20

***100K of repeated rape scenes later***21

Chapter 25

"Hi, Jack," Daniel said casually to his best friend, still chained up in Apophis' dungeon.

"Daniel!" Jack exclaimed. "Are you okay?"

"Mmm, better than okay," Daniel said. "Apophis is really nice once you get to know him. He's given me my own room and wants to release you to entertain me. He called me a nympho!" Daniel pouted prettily, batting his eyelashes. "But you have to promise to behave."22

"Unchain me!" Jack snarled. "I'll kill him for touching you! My poor, beautiful Danny!"23

"Jack, you have to trust Apophis. I know he raped me repeatedly, but he's really nice deep down."

"If he's so nice, why did he rape you repeatedly?"

"I actually just meant that he's twelve inches. No one that hung can be all bad."24

"Two words, Danny. Stockholm. Syndrome."25

"He's hung like a horse," Daniel said dreamily.26

"Teal'c's fourteen inches and I'm willing to share."

Daniel pondered that visibly for a few moments. "Why don't I unchain you so we can get out of here?"27

"I'm sorry I was such a rat bastard to you, Danny. It was just because I wuv you too!"28

"Wow. If I had the eensiest bit of self-respect29 I would have taken out a restraining order against you twenty-four chapters ago, but I forgive you because I yub you so much!"

And they escaped and did it in the death glider on the way back, even though Jack was only ten inches, but it was okay because Daniel was in luv.30



Oh, dear GOD. Where to begin? First and foremost, and resemblence between these and the characters I know and love is purely coincidental.

1. Should be titled "Serpent's Vomit."
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2. Wow, I really want to read this story now.
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3. Out of character, and kind of icky.
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4. I think a man with a doctorate in linguistics can come up with something better to say.
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5. I think a man with a doctorate in archeology has heard of homosexuality before.
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6. How romantic! How helpful! I'm hot and bothered, how about you?
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7. Please see footnote #2. Smart guy. Big vocabulary. Doctorate in linguistics.
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8. What the hell? I know some guys don't like to talk about their feelings, but...
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9. I'm not sure this author and I are watching the same show. Daniel gives as good as he gets, and would probably be asking Jack why he's acting like such an asshole.
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10. Sorry, I didn't have the heart to write this part.
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11. Those multiple doctorates help you figure that out?
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12. Who talks like this?
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13. Don't taunt Apophis, Jack. That's Daniel's job. Actually, I shouldn't tease. It's the closest thing to an in-character line he's had so far.
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14. Whiny and codependant much?
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15. Who the hell is this guy, what the hell did he do to Jack, and what does Daniel see in him?
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16. Please see footnote #2 about doctorates in linguistics. And what the hell kind of word is "yub"?
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17. EW!
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18. I know a lot of people like hostility in their slash, but don't you think this is a bit much?
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19. Who talks like this? And how do we make them stop?
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20. EW!
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21. Sorry, I didn't have the heart to write this part, either.
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22. This is grossly out-of-character behavior for a rape victim. I didn't buy it on General Hospital when it was Luke and Laura back in the 70s, and I don't buy it in my fanfic.
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23. Is this what it takes to make Jack be nice? I'm not sure it's worth it.
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24. Well, I suppose I'm glad to hear Apophis has at least one redeeming virtue.
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25. Wow! This line was... dare I say it? character. Excuse me while I faint from the shock.
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26. I don't think most rape victims consider the rapist being well-endowed a good thing.
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27. Because, you know, being repeatedly raped will turn anyone into a raging size queen.
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28. Oh, how sweet. I'm moved to tears.
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29. Hey, he said it, not me.
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30. I think the author has lost interest. Unlike the reader, who lost interest 25 chapters ago.
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Last updated May 26, 2001