Bad Fanfic! No Biscuit!

Somebody Save Me

By Siubhan (website)

This story is written without footnotes, and instead has a small group of generic notes at the end.

Clark Kent had missed the bus home again, but rather than run home through the cornfields, he was walking slowly along the side of the road, thinking about Lana. Gosh, Lana was sweet and pretty. Clark's big blue eyes got all wistful as he thought about her smooth black hair, her pretty pink sweater sets, and the Remy Zero songs that always seemed to play when she was around. If only he could figure out why sometimes he was okay around her, and sometimes he got all weak in the knees. He'd thought that was just an expression until he'd met Lana. Sometimes, he'd think really hard about why this only happened occasionally, and feel like he'd almost figured it out, but then he'd remember her sweet, soft-focus smile, and his brain would derail and he'd just sit there looking like a big, lovesick puppy. Sometimes he'd even drool like one.

Since Clark wanted to spend a lot of time thinking about Lana on his walk home, he took the long way back. The one that took him by Lex Luthor's mansion. Lex was such a good friend. Clark didn't get weak in the knees around Lex, but sometimes when Lex looked at him, Clark got a funny feeling in his tummy. Well, not exactly his tummy. He didn't understand the feeling, but he liked Lex, and it wasn't really a bad feeling, so he liked being around him.

As he walked by the front gates of the mansion, he suddenly heard Lex's voice screaming, "Help!"

Ooh, that made his tummy feel even funnier than normal. Clark used his super speed to zoom towards the sound of the voice, and didn't manage to stop in time. He skidded and fell into a narrow hole in the ground, tumbling several yards until he hit the wet ground with a loud splashy thump. Looking around him, he saw glittery green rocks, and he got that same weak feeling he had when he was around Lana. Was Lana here? Or did the rocks just remind him of her necklace?

A soaking wet Lex, wearing a clingy lavender silk shirt and nicely tailored black silk trousers, took Clark in his arms and said, "Clark! What a surprise. I had no idea you'd be the one to find me."

Clark's head was all swimmy, and his body felt like it was made of rubber. Water dripped down on him from the walls of rock surrounding them. He instinctively huddled up against Lex for warmth and support. Was it Lex who was making him feel this woozy? He thought he only felt this way about Lana. Oh, he was so confused. He looked into Lex's cool blue eyes with his own puppy dog blue eyes, a stricken look on his face, and asked, "What...what's going on?"

Lex tightened his arms around the trembling boy, and with a sly smile, said, "It looks like you came to save me, Clark."

"But...but...where are we?" Clark asked, head spinning as he inhaled the heady aroma of drycleaning and expensive cologne. His tummy was really starting to feel funny, and why did he feel this sudden need to put his lips on Lex's neck? Probably so he could keep warm. It was so cold and wet down here. That must have been why.

Lex rubbed his hands on Clark's shivering body, making Clark feel all warm wherever he was touched. Ooh! Lex was even making Clark's bottom feel warm. That was nice of him. Clark cuddled closer, rubbing his face against Lex's neck so he could get even warmer. "It looks like there's a cave on my property," Lex said, his voice sounding oddly strained. "I had no idea it was here. Whatever rock used to cover this up must have finally eroded away. Unfortunately, I've given all my help the day off today, so I had nearly given up hope of being found. But you came to my rescue, Clark. Thank you."

"S...some resc...c...cue," Clark chattered. Oh, he was so cold and wet! And so was poor Lex. He tried to rub his hands on Lex's tightly muscled body to give him some warmth too. Lex gasped. Good, Clark must have been helping. Clark liked to help. But he felt so weak. So tired.

"Here, let me warm you up some more," Lex said. "These glowing rocks should help raise your temperature."

As Lex started heaping piles of the glowy rocks on him, Clark murmured, "Gee, thanks," before passing out.

Lex grinned down at his unconscious companion. Stage one was complete. Time for stage two. He tossed off his shirt, pants, and expensive shoes, revealing a skin-tight black thermal suit beneath, then moved one of the large rocks in the cave aside, revealing a hidden compartment. First, he removed his rappelling harness and strapped himself into it. Then, he pulled out a special blanket he'd had made. It was laden with the green rocks that made Clark so deliciously weak. He wrapped Clark in it, scooped the younger man into his arms, then gave another portion of the wall a tug. It peeled away, revealing a winch cable with a red button on it. He clipped the hook to his rappelling harness, pushed the red button, and was hauled to the surface with his companion.

Lex looked down at the unconscious man in his arms and smiled. It had been almost too easy.


Clark woke up slowly. He was still kind of cold and weak, and his arms and legs were stretched out funny, but he wasn't wet anymore, and the ground felt all silky and soft. He wondered if this was a dream, just like that funny dream he had sometimes about wearing Lana Lang's pink sweater set.

"Wake up, Clark," a silky voice said, and his tummy felt funny again.

Clark's eyes batted open, his long, black eyelashes fluttering, and he saw Lex Luthor standing next to him in the firelight, carrying a glass of cognac and wearing a deep blue silk robe. Clark thought it made Lex's eyes look pretty. Then he thought how funny it was that he couldn't move his arms and legs. He looked up, and saw that he was handcuffed to Lex's bed with glittery green restraints. "Lex?" Clark asked weakly.

Lex sat on the edge of the bed, his blue silk robe a stunning contrast against the crimson silk sheets. He took a sip of his cognac, smiled, then said, "I've got you right where I want you."

"I don't understand, Lex," Clark said, tugging ineffectually at his restraints.

"Oh, I think you do," Lex said, running his hand down Clark's tight abdomen until he reached Clark's embarrassingly stiff ding-dong. Clark gave a little moan when Lex trailed one well-manicured finger down the entire length, then felt like a very bad boy. He still remembered the one time his mother had caught him touching himself like that, and he was so shamed by it that he'd been a good boy ever since and never had touched himself again. But when Lex did it, it made him feel so warm and gooey inside. "I want you, Clark," Lex said huskily. "And this is the only way I can have you."

"Handcuffed to your bed?" Clark asked weakly. He wanted Lex to touch him again. Maybe it wasn't so bad when someone else did it to you. After all, he'd been using his x-ray vision to watch his parents do it for weeks now. But that didn't explain the time he caught his dad doing it alone while reading Iowa Farmer Today (the special dairy farming edition).

Lex laughed and put his drink down on the bedside table. "Clark, you really are dense. Whatever this green rock is, it makes you weak. Face it, if I'd tried dragging you into bed without having some of it around, you'd gut me like a fish with your first stroke."

"Green rock?" Clark asked weakly.

Lex shook his head. "It's amazing how dim you are, Clark. I mean really, you think a cave just mysteriously appeared on my property? On my thoroughly surveyed Luthor property? Please. I had my help build it for me so I could lure you down into it. I thought the dripping water was a nice effect. The gardener came up with that idea. I have to admit, you certainly look delicious when you're all wet." Lex shook his head wistfully. "Well, thankfully, Clark, I don't want you for your brains," he said, standing up and unbelting his robe. He languidly slid it off his shoulders, and it fell to the ground with a whisper.

Clark swallowed hard as Lex straddled his naked, bound body, his pale skin shimmering in the firelight. His tummy felt really, really funny. It was kinda nice.

Lex got on all fours and crawled up Clark's body until his face was hovering over the teen's. "I think you'll come to find that helplessness can be a hell of a turn-on," he purred. Lex paused, then with a grin said, "And I think I should have my lawyers send a check to NAMBLA. When do you turn 16 again?"

Clark just grinned dopily up at Lex.

"Cute but stupid," Lex sighed. "Just my type."



Required reading for any Superman smut fan is the excellent article, "Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex," by Larry Niven. It can be found online at It talks about the inherent difficulties that Clark would have if he tried to have sex with a human. Any author who doesn't take that into account when writing Clarksmut...well, let's just say it strains belief. Also, while it's true that I find Clark and Lex to be hot, Clark is 15 on the show. That's NAMBLA territory *, even though Lex is only six years older than him. True, the actor playing Clark is of age (he's 24, and he looks it), but in the series, he's jailbait. And finally, Clark is an idiot if he can't figure out the kryptonite thing. Hell, he's spent nearly his entire life in Smallville surrounded by the stuff! You'd think he would have made some connection by now. And if not him, then his parents should have. But come to think of it, they're not so bright either. (Mind you, that's more a comment on the show than on the fanfic).

* NAMBLA: the North American Man/Boy Love Association. Yes, it really exists. No, I'm not making it up. I wish.

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Last updated December 3, 2001