Bad Fanfic! No Biscuit!

Savage Luv

By Siubhan

This badfic was written by Siubhan (email her / see her website) and involves the characters of "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace." The author's explanation of the badfic elements of this story is given at the end of the page. Click here to skip directly to the Notes. Or, click any footnote.

Bad Grafix on this page were also created by Siubhan.

Maul stared across the Tatooine sands through his electrobinoculars. He was supposed to be hunting down Queen Amidala, but instead he was peeping like a voyeur at a Jedi padawan. He'd never seen anyone so fascinating in his life. Not only did he shine from the inside with the power of the Light Side,1 but he seemed to have a huge one-eyed trouser snake2. In fact, Maul's own tattooed totem pole of love3 was tenting his robes right now just thinking about it.

Bad Grafix Maul knew he had to have him. He reached inside his robes and started whacking off as he waited for the probe droids to return. And then he whacked off again when the word "probe" gave him all new filthy thoughts.

Finally, the probe droids returned, and Maul sped off on his trusty motor-scooter to beat up on the padawan's master. But the big hippie overpowered Maul and then they all took off in the Queen's ship. Maul pouted, then climbed into his Sith Infiltrator and headed to Coruscant. He had an idea.

The next day, Maul snuck into the Queen's quarters, killed one of the handmaidens, and stole her clothes. Since he was short, and since they all wore hoods, none of the handmaidens noticed the difference. He just said he had a sore throat when they asked what happened to his voice.

Using the communications system in the Queen's quarters, Maul sneakily sent off a transmission to Obi-Wan saying that the Queen wanted to see him alone, and Obi-Wan, being the do-gooder Jedi that he was, took the bait. He didn't even seem to find it odd that the Queen wanted to meet him in an abandoned warehouse in the sublevels of Coruscant, and specified that he show up unarmed and without a commlink, and that he didn't tell anyone where he was going. Darth Sidious was right. The Jedi were stupid.4

When Obi-Wan showed up, Maul's mouth went dry in anticipation. The Light Side energy pouring from the Jedi was intoxicating, like an exotic perfume, or an overripe piece of Jawa tripe. He hungered to corrupt that energy, to hear the Jedi call him "daddy."5

Obi-Wan looked over at Maul and asked, "Rabé, why are you drooling? And what is that odd bulge in your dress?"

Maul tossed aside his disguise and revealed himself to the Jedi. "It is I, a Sith lord! And that bulge is my dark apprentice!"

"Rabé, why did you embrace the Dark Side, alter your skin color, grow horns, and get a sex change?" Obi-Wan wailed, wringing his hands together dramatically and trembling like a little girl.6

"Fool, I am not Rabé. My name is Maul, but soon you will call me 'daddy.'"

"But Master Qui-Gon is my daddy! Oh, why did I tell no one where I would be going?" Obi-Wan cried, tears streaking down his face.7

Bad Grafix "Jedi fool!" Maul cried, grabbing Obi-Wan roughly in his arms. "I shall take you now whether you like it or not!"8

"Oh no! Please not that!" Obi-Wan cried as Maul roughly ripped off his beige robes. Maul's nose crinkled in distaste as the aroma of flowers wafted from the padawan. "Please no! I am so pure and innocent! How could you possibly do this to me? No! You can't!"

"Yes! Yes I will!" Maul snarled as he pushed Obi-Wan to the ground and impaled him on his Sith saber.

"Ow!" Obi-Wan cried. "That hurts! Don't rape me, please! You horrible beast!"

"I am a Sith!" Maul cried triumphantly. "Your pain turns me on. Who's your daddy now?"

Obi-Wan sobbed like a baby. "Ow!" he cried. "Let me go, you wicked, wicked man! I'm so scared."9

"Good!" Maul snarled, whacking Obi-Wan's pert buttocks with his black hand. "Who's your daddy now?"


He slapped him again, then grabbed Obi-Wan's slender hips and pulled the padawan up on his hands and knees. "What's this?" he asked, wrapping his hands around Obi-Wan's fully erect Jedi man-meat. "You like this, Jedi whore?"

"Yes!" Obi-Wan cried, cheeks turning red with shame. "Oh, I know I shouldn't, but I can't help myself. Fuck me harder, oh evil Sith lord! You're my daddy now!"10

Maul pumped harder and came with a roar, his hot demon-seed spurting into Obi-Wan's tender ass. Obi-Wan screamed and came in his hand, his issue dripping onto the floor. Then as Maul pulled his spent manhood out, Obi-Wan turned his tear-streaked face and looked at Maul. "Oh evil Sith lord, I know there is some good in you."

"No, I am evil through and through," Maul replied.

Bad Grafix "I'm sure there's good in you, my dark one," Obi-Wan retorted, blue-green eyes moist with tears, and pulled Maul into a big hug.

Maul's golden eyes grew wide, but he found himself hugging the Jedi back as a strange feeling entered his heart.

"I yuv you," Obi-Wan crooned.

Maul burst into tears. "Oh, I have been waiting all my life for someone to say that to me! I yuv you too! I renounce the Dark Side!"11

"See, I knew that all you needed was a hug," Obi-Wan beamed.

"You were right," Maul sobbed. "Let's open an animal shelter and rescue baby banthas from animal experiments."

"Yes! Let's! Wait, what's this?" Obi-Wan looked down at Maul's mini-Sith, which was fully engorged and weeping pre-cum.

"It looks like it is time for another duel," Maul purred.

The two men dived at each other, their tongues wrestling and mating.12

Coming up for air, Maul growled, "I yuv you more."

"No, I yuv you more!" Obi-Wan replied.

And they lived happily ever after.



1. In much bad M/O, Maul is drawn to Obi-Wan for reasons he cannot comprehend.
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2. Well, Ewan's proud of his big penis.
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3. And how many times have we read bad synonyms for penis?
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4. In a lot of the fic, Obi-Wan is criminally stupid.
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5. In some stories, Maul's fascination with Obi is specifically because he wants to corrupt someone so pure and light.
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6. Not only is Obi an idiot in a lot of stories, but he's also very girly.
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7. And in some M/O, Obi-Wan is already in a relationship with Qui-Gon.
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8. In a lot of M/O, Maul rapes Obi (gag!). Especially in the "Maul is drawn to the light in Obi and must corrupt it" stories.
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9. Yes, in the rape stories, Obi-Wan cries a lot, and Maul gets off on it.
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10. Yes, in some of the particularly bad M/O, not only does Maul rape Obi, but Obi likes it.
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11. I wish I were making this up, but this too is classic M/O badfic. All Maul needs is a hug and some love, and he's a do-gooder.
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12. This is just generic badfic cliché, like so many of the bad sexual metaphors in the story.
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Last updated June 12, 2000