Bad Fanfic! No Biscuit!


By Siubhan

This badfic was written by Siubhan (email her / see her website) and involves the characters of Farscape. The author's explanation of the badfic elements of this story is given at the end of the page. Click here to skip directly to the Notes. Or, click any footnote.

This is a fake round robin story written to show different styles of writing sex. Writer #1 writes very clinically, writer #2 writes raunchily, and writer #3 is very flowery. None of them are wrong, per se, but they are all guaranteed to turn off a large chunk of your reading audience. You may actually find one of those scenes to be a turn-on. If so, be aware that your kink is somewhat unusual.

We're coming in smack in the middle of an Aeryn Sun/John Crichton (Farscape) round robin. I've used a female/male couple so that I have a full cornucopia of body parts to play with. I've used Aeryn/Crichton because they're an attractive cornucopia of body parts. I'm going to write each segment as a run-on paragraph since that's common in round robin stories. Don't worry. They'll all be short. Aeryn looked down at John's fully engorged penis, with a drop of semen leaking across his foreskin. Realizing she was already adequately lubricated, she pushed him on his back, straddled his body, and started to insert his erection into her vagina so they could have intercourse. John reached down to fondle her clitoris and labia. Aeryn moaned, then reached back to fondle John's scrotum. John moaned. His other hand reached up to touch Aeryn's nipples. Aeryn and John started thrusting rhythmically. 1 As John rammed his rod into Aeryn's snatch, he groaned, "Damn woman, why didn't you let me eat you out?" "You can muffdive later," she huffed. "Don't talk, frell." "You mean 'fuck,'" John retorted as he fondled her beaver and watched her tits bouncing as she rode him like a bronco. "Yeah, fuck me harder!" she groaned, squeezing her pussy muscles tight. John howled and felt his jizm shooting up her twat. 2 Aeryn swooned forward into John's arms, feeling his strong fingers caressing her back. She'd been waiting so long for this, for him to sweep her up and carry her away on waves of ecstasy. And even though she'd thought she was thoroughly spent by her expression of love, she could feel his manhood stirring in her delicate tissues. Tears sprung to her eyes. No man had ever made her feel this way before. His fingers twined in her hair, and she let him roll her over onto her back, his other hand gently massaging her rosy bud, and she gasped at the exquisiteness of it all. 3


1. This reads more like a medical textbook than it does a piece of fiction. The sex is described clinically, from the sex acts to the body parts involved. There's no sense of emotion here, just the sequence of events. Very few people will like this type of sex scene, because it does nothing to draw the reader in.
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2. This, on the other hand, reads like a letter to Penthouse (admittedly, an exaggeratedly done one). Everything about it is raunchy from the description of the sex organs, to the actions, to the dialogue. If you're a regular reader of mainstream commercial porn, then this kind of language may turn you on. However, the vast majority of the fanfic reading audience wants to read what is commonly referred to as "erotica," which is usually less graphic and raunchy than what is commonly called "porn," and cares more about feelings and motivations than just mechanics. I make no value judgements about erotica vs. porn, and in fact find the distinction somewhat silly, but there is an actual style difference in how the two are written. If you write your fanfic sex this way, you will turn off a lot of readers.
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3. Here we have the romance novel-style sex scene. Everything's flowery, and very few body parts are referred to by any sort of direct term. It's sex, but couched behind elaborate language to make it seem more romantic and less "dirty." It's like the entire scene has been filmed through a fuzzy lens. It also has an awful lot of coherent thought running through it. While it's nice to know how the sex is affecting the people involved, sometimes it's better to show than to tell. This style of writing probably has as many fans as it does detractors. If you really like it, then that's fine, but be aware that it will turn off a decent amount of readers. On top of that, this doesn't sound like Aeryn.

Originally, there was a writer #4 who was a good fic writer, but after banging my head against the first three parts, it became clear that sticking a well-written paragraph after three bad ones just doesn't work. Good smut takes more than one paragraph to build.
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Last updated June 22, 2000