Bad Fanfic! No Biscuit!

Return To The Planet Where Everybody Was Gangsters

By Ann Larimer

This badfic was written by Ann Larimer (email / website) and involves the characters of "Star Trek: The Original Series." The author's notes on this story are given at the end of the page. Click here to skip directly to the Notes.


Once Captain James T. Kirk was sitting in his Captain's chair on the bridge of the starship "Enterprise," the finest starship in Starfleet. He sat in the chair because he was the Captain of the ship. The Captain's chair was the biggest chair, because he was in charge and also because he had to sit down a lot, and so he wouldn't fall over as much when the starship "Enterprise" got hit with a Klingon torpedo blast (Klingons were bad aliens and the enemies of Starfleet Command and Kirk and the "Enterprise") and everybody fell out of their chairs or hit the walls in the corridors of the starship "Enterprise" It was only fair, because he was the Captain and needed to not fall out of his chair as much, so nobody ever got mad about Kirk's chair being big or anything. So anyway this one time he sat in his chair, thinking hard. He was bored. Starfleet hadn't given them any orders to go anywhere or do anything in days and days and days, and nobody was shooting at them and there weren't any emergencies or anything to take care of like they often did, because the "Enterprise" was the finest ship in Starfleet and Starfleet Command gave them lots of assignments.

Captain Kirk looked at Mr Spock, his First Officer. Mr Spock was an alien from the planet Vulcan, and looked sort of like the Devil, but he was really nice. Spock, not the Devil. Mr Spock was second in command of the starship "Enterprise," but they called him the First Officer because that was some kind of tradition or something. Sort of like Yeoman Rand, who isn't in this story but you probably know about anyway, she's the blonde-haired lady with the big hair with the weaving on the front of it, wasn't really a man.

Captain Kirk said to Mr Spock, the Vulcan First Officer of the starship "Enterprise," "Mr Spock, I'm bored."

Mr Spock, the Vulcan First Officer, replied, "I am bored too." He was always doing things like saying "I am" instead of "I'm," because he was an alien from the planet Vulcan. Mr Spock had a regular chair, but when Captain James T. Kirk wasn't on the bridge of the starship "Enterprise," he could sit in the Captain's chair, because then he (Mr Spock I mean) was in command and needed a bigger chair.

Captain Kirk though. He thought and he thought. "I know!" said Captain Kirk. "Let's go back to the planet where everybody was gangsters. That was cool."

So the starship "Enterprise" went back to the planet where everybody was gangsters.

Everybody beamed down to the planet. They were all wearing gangster suits, the kind with little stripes on them, and hats. Especially Mr Spock, the alien First Officer, who needed the hat to hide his pointed ears, which were pointed on the ends. Oh, and the girls wore little dresses and little hats with feathers, but they didn't wear suits.

The planet where everybody was gangsters was in a terrible mess. The people were unhappy and starving and dirty and stuff. They were really glad to see Captain James T. Kirk of the starship "Enterprise," and Mr Spock the Vulcan First Officer, and everybody else, because they remembered them from the last time they were there.

"Please, please, please, Captain Kirk, please help us like you did last time. Only don't leave this time." They really liked Captain Kirk and the men from the starship "Enterprise" (some of the men were women) and remembered them from last time Even though the people were gangsters, even the girls, they were really okay when you got to know them.

"Okay," said Captain James T. Kirk. "I was bored on the starship 'Enterprise' anyway. We are so good at keeping the peace that Starfleet doesn't give us anything to do anymore."

"Indeed, Captain," said Mr Spock, the Vulcan First Officer.

So the people of the planet where everybody was gangsters unanimously voted to democratically make Captain Kirk their President of the whole planet, for life. They made Mr Spock the Vice President, even though he was an alien and looked sort of like the Devil. He wore his hat most of the time so they didn't really mind.

Captain Kirk and Mr Spock taught the gangsters how to live together in peace and harmony, and lived there for a long, long time.

Oh, and I forgot to tell you they brought down Captain Kirk's chair for him. The end.


The following is what the author wrote in her submission letter:

I have not footnoted the story. I know slightly less about HTML than I do about quantum physics. Okay, a *lot* less.

This piece of lit was originally written for the 2000 edition of "Not the MediaWest Program Guide." Several hundred copies were given away (since God knows we could never get anyone to actually buy the thing) at MediaWest over Memorial Day weekend, and it is now mercifully out of print.

The story, unfortunately, contains no scenes whatsoever of explicit or implicit consensual or non-consensual sex between sentients, non-sentients, or constructs of different or similar genders or species, and to my eternal shame is completely lacking in violence and scatalogical references. Nor are there any references to the works of Celine Dion, Morrissey, Sinead O'Connor, or any other Anglofones with depressive tendencies. I cannot apologize enough for these shortcomings. I hope the, extra commas will make, up for them, at least, a, little.

We here at "Bad Fanfic! No Biscuit!" feel that the badfic elements of this story speak for themselves. Actually, maybe "shout really loudly in your ear for themselves" would be more accurate. :-)

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Last updated January 3, 2001