Bad Fanfic! No Biscuit!

Faster Enterprise! ... Kill! Kill!

By Jessica Leenstra

This badfic was written by Jessica Leenstra (email / website) and involves the characters of "Star Trek: The Next Generation." The author's explanation of the badfic elements of this story is given at the end of the page. Click here to skip directly to the Notes. Or, click any footnote.


"I'm sensing a lot of repressed anger and hostility from three Dominion vessels directly ahead," said Deanna.

"I'll give them hostility," growled Captain Picard. "Fire the photon torpedoes! 30 gigacochranes yield!"

A spread of photon torpedoes raced towards the Dominion vessels.

Explosions rocked the bridge of the starship Enterprise as a Dominion ship exploded in a fiery blaze of lights.

"Hard a port! Engage lead Dominion ship with main phaser battery!"

The ship received a hammering from Dominion tacheyon cannons. Sparks flew from every control panel and console.

"Shields down to 20%!"1

"Steady as she goes."

"We have photon torpedo lock on Dominion vessel, sir."

"Fire another spread of photon torpedos, 30 gigacochranes yield, now!"

"Torpedoes away!"

"Hard a starboard. Hang tight on every one!"

The view screen showed the Dominion frigate exploding in a brilliant pyrotechnic display with an Earth-shattering KA-BOOM! 2

"Shields down to 25%!"

"Engage remaining Dominion vessel with the phaser batteries!"

The very next moment, the lights failed, leaving the bridge in total darkness, after a moment, the emergency power came online, lighting the deck in an eerie glow. 3

"Damage report!" barked the Captain.

"All ship departments report extensive damage. Warp engines are offline, phasers batteries are offline, photon torpedos are offline and shields are down..."

"When will the weapons be back online?"

"Captain, we're dealing with a possible warp core breach down here," Commander LaForge reported.

"We're in Dominion held space with a live, albeit damaged, Dominion star destroyer on screen."

"It looks dead sir"

"So do we!" growled the Captain, poking Commander LaForge in the chest. "There's a chance that it might come alive at any moment. I need to have everything back online so we can destroy it as soon as possible." 4

"Well, I don't know how," confessed Commander LaForge, "I've tried everything!"

"What if we reverse the polarity of the tachyon flow?" 5

"Tried that. Almost triggered a warp core breach. I can't repeal the laws of physics, Captain."

"Well, what if we first chill it down to 1,000 degrees below zero?"

"Hey, that'll work! Except that we'd have to recalibrate the themostatic inverters..." 6

"Spare me the details! How long will that take?" snapped the Captain.7

"Hard to say, Captain. It normally takes an entire shift..."

"We may not have that long! That Dominion ship may come alive at any moment!"

"What if we repolarize the transporter beam?"

"How will that get the engines fixed?"

"Well, it won't, however maybe we can send someone in to sabotage them. We'll only have bandwidth for a small team of five or six, however."

"Make it so, Mister Riker. Take Away Team 2 and have them meet me in transporter room 3! And I still want my engines fixed!" 8

"Aye, aye, sir!"

Deanna was there when they arrived in the teleport room. 9

"Let me come along," she said said.

"No way, Deanna," Commander Riker said firmly."10

"I'm not afraid of danger and death," she told him. "Not when I'm with my Imzadi."

"Oh, all right, sweetie," he said. 11

"Are we taking phasers on this mission?" asked one of the Away Team members. 12

"Those pea shooter? No way," said Commander Riker. "We're taking these. XM-179 Phaser rifles with 8mm armor piercing shells, triple sized magazine and a flame thrower. Not to mention the XM15A1 composite optical/electronic sight with radar and infra red tracking." 13

The Away Team grabbed their weapons.

"Everyone ready to kick some Dominion ass?" yelled Commander Riker.

"YES SIR!" the men cried as one.

Arriving in the dimly lit Dominion engine room, Commander Riker wasted no time in slitting the throats of the Jem Hadar engineers, and removing the plasma injector coil. 14

From the corridor came a soft and soothing voice.

A Vorpa stepped into the corridor with his hands on his head. "I am certain that this nasty, horrible war is all a tragic mistake and that we can all negotiate like civilised men," he said.

"Tragic mistake alright," said Commander Riker, as he promptly fired, exploding the Vorpa's head like an overripe melon with a single armor-piercing 8mm shell. "Now. Anybody else wanna negotiate?" 15

His offer was met by a hail of blaster fire from the Jem He'dar who charged forward yelling "Victory is life!".

Two men fell on either side of him, yet still Riker stood, indomitably beating off the attack alone.

"This way!" yelled Commander Riker. "We'll escape down the air vent!" 16

"Ooooh!" Deanna fell to the floor. "I've twisted my ankle! I can't stand!"

"Come on girl!" he bellowed. 17 "I'll hold them off!" Taking one phaser rifle in each hand, he blazed away at the Jem Ha'dar, blowing them away one after another.

"It's too hard!" cried Deanna hysterically, tears rolling down her cheeks.18

At thaty very moment, a ten inch thick carbon steel door dropped down from the ceiling, separating Riker from the girl crew member.

"Deanna!" he cried banging his fists against the door.

"Shall we shoot the girl?" asked the Jem Ha'Dah second in command.

"No," said the Captain. "I shall interrogate her personally."

"Like some tea, Captain?" Beverley said.

"Good idea."

Beverley walked over to the replicator and said: "Tea, hot, Earl Grey."

She carried it back across to Captain Piccard's desk.

"I hope Commander Riker is alright," she said. "He's so brave."

The Captain merely sipped the tea and nodded sagely. 19

Deanna lay back on the Captain's bed smoking a cigarette.

"I'm cooperating, I really am!" she told him.

"Bah!" said the Jem Hah'dar captain. "I have been distracted from directing the search for the missing energy rod! I will find Commander Riker myself! Victory is life!"

"And defeat really stinks, doesn't it?"

"Imzadi!" cried Deanna.

"See any missing engine components lately, Deanna?" Commander Riker asked.

"Got one right here, beside the bed!"

"It's been there the whole time?! Grrrr! That makes me really mad!" said the JemH'dar Captain. "Let's settle this right now. Man to man!"

"Fine by me," said Commander Riker, tossing his XM-179 Phaser rifle on the bed.

"Aaargggh!" cried the JemHidar Captain, charging at Commander Riker, who responded with a series of strong blows from his fists. The Jem Had'ar warrior hit back, bloodying Riker's nose. The Jem H'dah seemed to have the advantage, pinning Riker to the floor and throttling him his bare hands when the whole ship was rocked by an explosion.

"What's going on?" cried the Jem Hed'ar Captain.

"Looks like they have fixed the engines!" said Riker.

Riker then gave him a karate chop to the neck, broke free of the hold, and delivered a swift kick to the groin that ended the fight with the Jem'Hedar Captain falling to his knees in agony. 20 Then they disappeared in a twinkling light, even as a dozen heavily armed Jem Ha'dhar entered the room.

"High energy phaser batteries are 100% charged and cleared."

"Then by all means, fire when ready, Mr Data," replied the Captain.

"I love this bit," said Commander Riker.


There was an gigantic explosion of red, white and green. Sparks flew everywhere and the whole ship seemed to be thrown back a few yards.

"Scratch one Dominion Destroyer," reported Mr Data.

"Well, the Dominion threat is over," said the Captain. Now we have to deal with the Borg. Head for Cardassia Prime. Warp ten." 22

"Ay, ay, Captain!"



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I didn't bother to footnote all the grammatical and punctuation errors in here. They are all deliberate, at least in the sense that no effport was made to correct them or spellcheck. Also, there are character names not capitalized or misspelled, words misspelled, and so forth.

1. Apart from the Captain and one line from Counsellor Troi, nobody on the bridge seems to warrant being referred to by name.
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2. Isn't it delightful? The fact that there is no sound in space is ignored.
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3. A series of sentences is run together as one, a very common error.
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4. Is this conversation happening on the bridge, or in engineering? BadFic authors often are vague about details of location.
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5. Technobabble is not uncanonical, but really gets annoying at times like this.
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6. We "can't repeal the laws of physics" but we can chill something down to 1,000 degrees below zero!
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7. By now, it is apparent that the Captain is totally out of character, snapping, snarling and growling like a junkyard dog.
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8. Take Away Team 2 sounds like a pizza delivery operation thanks to weird capitalisation. Also, the Captain says to meet himself, but in fact Commander Riker is meant.
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9. While Commanders LaForge and Riker are awarded the honorific of their rank, Counsellor Troi is constantly stripped of hers, although she is also a commander, and indeed is only referred to by her first name throughout, implying that she is not the equal of the other officers.
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10. Commander Riker is described as "firm", even though he doesn't seem very firm -- at least on this issue!
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11. Counsellor Troi is referred to by a pet name in a public situation.
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12. Asking questions like this makes the Away Team member sound like a complete moron.
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13. Does anyone talk like this? (Outside of the home shopping channel!)
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14. The term "Jem'Hadar" is never spelt the same way twice. That way the author has apparently covered all the bases. Well, all but the correct one, that is.
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15. Our crew seem incredibly bloodthirsty today, don't they? This is a hallmark of this kind of badfic (and fanfic!)
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16. The escape down the air vent trick must be the oldest cliche in fanfic.
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17. Counsellor Troi is referred to as a "girl" while the rest of the Away Team are "men".
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18. Counsellor Troi is referred to as "hysterical".
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19. The only purpose of this interlude seems to be to establish that the ship's physician has nothing more important to do than make tea for the captain. (From a replicator! I mean, couldn't he have got his own?)
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20. The Jem'Hadar are defeated by Commander Riker (who seems more like Commander Rambo) with remarkable ease.
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21. A comic book style sound effect accompanies another explosion in airless space.
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22. Nobody is at affected by the events of the story, just ready to go and kill more bad guys.
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Last updated June 22, 2000