Bad Fanfic! No Biscuit!

A Semi-random Pairing of Unrelated Characters

By Rod Hilton

This badfic was written by Rod Hilton (email him / see his website) and involves the characters of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." An explanation of the badfic elements of this story is given at the end of the page. Click here to skip directly to the Notes.

Buffy had been killing vampires since midnight. It was three when she walked through the door of her home. She threw her bag and stake on the hall table and fell onto the couch, exhausted. It took every effort she could muster to rise and make her way to her room.

"Damn," she thought to herself in voiceover, "the only thing that could cheer me up after tonight is some outrageously dirty sexual intercourse with other characters."

As if he had been reading her script, Oz was on her bed, naked, covered only by a box of sex toys.

"Hey baby," Oz said to a female fan of the show vicariously through Buffy.

"Hmm," wondered Buffy. "Did Oz and I ever have any sexual tension on the show? I can't recall." Before anyone could answer, Oz revealed that he wanted to take Buffy in the worst way. Buffy was intrigued.

"I am intrigued," said Buffy sexily, even though sexily is not a word. That's how she said it. Oz stood up, revealing his abundant package. He walked over to Buffy, almost tripping on his ludicrously and fictionally large cock. He grabbed her and tore her clothes off, revealing her supple curves. Her ample curves, too. He kissed her hungrily and began rubbing his hands over her hips, pulling her closer to him. She moaned with pleasure. He began kissing her neck and she threw her head back in enjoyment. He moved further down, sucking her nipple and moving his hand over her sweet little ass.

"Take me, Oz," she breathed to him.

"Sure thing," he replied stupidly. He threw her down on the bed and began licking her clit. She squealed. He ran his tongue inside her and pulled her closer to him. She sucked on her clit harder, taking it into his mouth.

"Oh my god!" she yelled.

"Mrrmph," he replied.

Just as she was about to come, he stopped.

"What the fuck?" she asked, right on the verge of a climax.

"I don't want you coming so damn early," he replied. Suddenly, Willow walked in.

"Hey," she began indignantly, "that was my line from the teen sex romp American Pie!"

"Help me, Willow," cried Buffy. "Oz has me right on the verge of orgasm."

"Hocus pocus," she said before diving into Buffy's carpet. She licked at her, sucked at her, and flicked at her clit with her tongue. Buffy squirmed in ecstasy and Willow began to enjoy it so much that she began to wiggle her ass. Oz, remembering that he and Willow DEFINITELY had some tension on the show, decided that it was an appropriate time to remove her pants, which he did. He also felt it would be a good plan to shove his massive cock inside of her ass. He strained to make it all fit in her tight hole. She moaned in pain and pleasure as she ate Buffy out. Willow began to enjoy the anal penetration, but she needed more now. She was so excited, her vaginal hole was flushed and ready for a cock. Luckily, Angel stopped by at about that moment and pushed his way into her. She moaned with ecstasy. Wait, I used that word already. She moaned with happiness.

The room began to get musty as it was filled with evaporating sweat and the heavy breathing of four very horny young fictional characters. It began to get worse as Cordelia and Spike came in. Spike shoved his dick into Buffy's mouth and Cordelia sat on Willow's face. Suddenly, Xander and Giles showed up, horny. Xander got under Buffy and shoved himself into her tight ass. Giles looked on, looking for a crevice to go inside. Then he realized Cordelia's mouth was free! Foppishly, he shoved himself into her. Everyone was reaching a loud sexual climax when suddenly, [insert name of pathetic fan of show that is so sad they need to participate in sexual fantasies vicariously through fan fiction] came in. When s/he did so, everyone dropped what they were doing/who they were fucking and attended to his or her needs. Every cast member of the show pleasured [crazy fan] in every way imaginable. [Nutsoid fan] was about to unleash a gallon or so of sexual juices when suddenly s/he woke up!

"Oh shit," he or she said to him or herself. "I forgot! I live in reality. Buffy is just a character on a television show. What a sad and generally pathetic dream."

The End....Or is it?
Yes, it is.

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Most of the spoof elements of this story are fairly obvious, so I'll just point out the major ones.

  1. A character appears naked for no apparent reason.
  2. "He wanted to take Buffy in the worst way."
  3. A line of dialogue saying exactly what was just in the narrative ("Buffy was intrigued. 'I am intrigued,' Buffy said").
  4. The word "sexily." Although it is indeed not a word, LOTS of badfic writers use it.
  5. All men in fanfic have huge dicks.
  6. Almost all women in fanfic have "supple curves" and/or "ample curves."
  7. "He kissed her hungrily."
  8. A character walks in on two others having sex, and instead of gasping, apologizing, leaving quickly, etc., the newcomer just joins in.
  9. Skip the foreplay, just shove that dick in there!
  10. Overuse of the word "ecstasy."
  11. Really, really bad badfics often end up with the entire cast of the show in one huge pile screwing each other mindlessly. Yeah, like that would really happen.
  12. The ending, of course, is a commentary on the pervasiveness of Mary Sue. If you don't know what Mary Sue is (or if you can't figure it out from this context), read our explanation.

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Last updated June 12, 2000