Bad Fanfic! No Biscuit!

Mary Sue is Goo Goo for Johnny

By Steph

This badfic was written by Steph ( and involves the group Goo Goo Dolls. The author's explanation of the badfic elements of this story is given at the end of the page. Click here to skip directly to the Notes. Or, click any footnote.

Hi, my name's Iris1 and I'm tall, blond, a girl2, with big, blue eyes like a blue ocean3 and I like the Goo Goo Dolls, especially Johnny who is hot4, and I paint and sing5. And I live in Buffalo, New York6.

I'm in a band7 called Daisyflower, I sing and play lead giutar8, And we're not not famous but someday.

We had jsut finished a show one night filled with punk covers and good original material9 when a tall hansome stranger approached10, he had blue eyes. they were so blue that I kept staring at him and he laughed11. I looked at his face and he was really hot and I said "I'm Iris, what's your name?" and he said "Johnny Reznick, I'm lead singer for the Goo Goo Dolls!"12

And I said WOW! Because I really like the Goo Goo Dolls and I finally recognized him! He was Johny!13

(BTW, this next part is sorta sappy LMAO!!!)14 "Your name is pretty, Iris," he said with love. "Can I write a song about you?"15

"Of course Johnny" I said happily. I was so happy that Johhny wanted to write a song about me.16 The Goo Goo Dolls write such good music, it's almost like punk but its really melodic.17

"I have a question Iris. Do you want to go out with me." He said.18

"Johny that would be so phantasmagorical," I exclaimed in a sophisticated voice.19

But then I rememebered something. "Aren't you married?"20 I asked.

"Yes, he said saddly, but I don't like Laurie anymore, so I think I'll date you instead."21

"Good," I said. "I never liked that bitch anyway."22

We went out for Italian food23, i had spagehti, it was so good. At the end of the night, Jonnie gave me a kiss and he let me lick the cleft in his chin.24 As he walked away I wondered if I'd ever see Jonnhy again.25


Pleeeeeeease email me even if you didn't like it and tell me what you think!27 And if you're Jonnny Rzenik, I hope you like this, and maybe you'll email me!28


Goo Goo Dolls fanfic is a small but growing fandom. It has become big enough to produce some simply terrible stories (although they can be awfully entertaining to read).

Don't write fanfics about real people.

Incorrect grammar, spelling, syntax, etc. is intentional.

And for the record, it's JOHN(NY) RZEZNIK.

1. Every female character in a Goo Goo Dolls fanfic must be name either Iris or May (from the song Slide).

2. Wow, who knew Iris could be a girl's name? Thanks for clarifying that!

3. I didn't think they would be blue eyes like a red ocean...REDUNDANT.

4. EVERYONE likes John, because he's SO DREAMY...

5. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mary Sue...

6. Every Goo Goo Dolls fanfic is set in Buffalo, New York, where the band originated, even though they have been centered in Los Angeles for years.

7. Jeez, Iris is talented! I bet her band kicks ass! Johnny would be SO proud of her!

8. Surprise, surprise, Iris' position in the band is the same as John's in the Goo Goo Dolls.

9. Don't flatter yourself, sweetie. And I can't imagine that a band called "Daisyflower" would even know what punk IS, much less play it. But of course, every Mary Sue plays in a punk band because the Goo Goo Dolls started out as a punk band.

10. Wow, like magic! Hmm...I wonder who he might be...

11.If some strange chick was staring at me like this, I would run away from her, not laugh.

12. No one talks like this. Also, John is supposed to be humble, so I doubt he'd introduce himself in such a way.

13. No shit, he's Johnny! If she loves him so much, why did it take her so long to figure it out?

14. Author's notes like this are distracting and pointless. Besides, the author shouldn't trash her own work; that's OUR job.

15.Mary Sue is ALWAYS the inspiration for some hit song. Especially when she just met the guy fifteen seconds earlier.

16. Just in case you didn't get the idea the first time, the author kindly changes the word order and reproduces the exact same thought.

17. Goo Goo Dolls music is ALWAYS described as "melodic punk," even though they haven't written "melodic punk" since 1990. People who call the Goo Goo Dolls "punk" just like to feel dangerous, because "punk" is something taboo to them.

18. Questions are asked, not said.

19. The most sophisticated voice in the world will not hide the fact that the author has NO CLUE what "phantasmagorical" means.

20. New paragraph when someone begins speaking. And way to conveniently "forget" the wife.

21. Like this really happens. But at least she used her quotation marks creatively.

22. Ooops, almost ended the fanfic without insulting John's wife, even though he obviously loves and respects her in real life.

23. I think John mentioned ONCE that he liked Italian food, so now it's apparently canon for every fic to contain random references to Italian food.

24. Did it taste like spaghetti?

25. If she never sees John again, it isn't much of a fanfic, is it?

26. Because this story really merits more installments.

27. If this girl got a negative review, she'd run screaming and sobbing to her mother. She thinks that since she put this, when she gets only good reviews she'll think that EVERYONE liked her story. (GGD fans are normally too polite to offer negative feedback because the circle of writers is so tightly knit.)

28. I certainly hope that John Rzeznik has better things to do than read terrible stories about himself. And if I were John, reading this story...? I would be very, very afraid.

Email the author


Last updated May 26, 2001