Bad Fanfic! No Biscuit!

My Chocolate Starfish
Part 5/?

By Siubhan

This badfic by Siubhan (email her / see her website) deals with a multitude of evils. It's got real people fic. It's got irrational anger towards the wife of the real person. It's got Mary Sue. It's plotless. And it totally shifts gears mid-stream with no explanation, other than the fact that the author's got a new crush. Click here to skip directly to the Notes. Or, click any footnote.

[Okay, so like, this WAS a story about me and Wes Borland from Limp Bizkit, 1 but like, I just found out he's MARRIED! His wife Heather is SUCH a BITCH! I hate her so much! She's a total skank face. I hope she dies! 2 So, like, I don't like him anymore, so this story's about Angel now, because David Boreanaz is totally hot, and he's divorced and all, so there's hope for me! 3]

Morning. I stretched languidly and smiled, thinking of the night before. Wes and I had saved a bunch of baby monkeys from animal experiments, then brought them back to the jungle where they belonged, then he wrote a song for me, and then we made love until the moon came up. Just another wonderful night with my wonderful man.

I rolled over in my bed, wondering why the morning sun wasn't streaking across my face. The clock said it was 8:00. Who closed the curtains? Wes knew I liked them open. It made the light glint off his sexy lip ring, and that never failed to get me hot. 4

"Morning," a silken voice purred next to me, and I felt the mattress sag as a heavy weight rolled towards me. Heavier than Wes.

I jumped out of bed and flicked on the light. "Angel?" I gasped, hands vainly trying to cover up my naughty bits. I was just wearing a filmy nightie, so he could see right through it. "What happened to Wes?"

"Murder/suicide. His wife went nuts, killed him, then killed herself."

"He was married?"

"'Fraid so."

"That bitch!" 5

Angel shrugged. "Yeah, she was. But I'm here now. I'll take care of you."

"Will you?" I asked, slowly dropping my hands.

He smiled. "Always."

I crawled across the bed and into his embrace. "Always. I like the sound of that 6.


[Part 6 should be coming soon! Hey, does anyone else think that the guy who plays Phileas Fogg on "The Secret Adventures of Jules Verne" is hot?] 7.


1. Real people fic! Run away!
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2. Whoa! Where the hell does the author get off smearing this guy's wife? She doesn't know a thing about her! She's decided Heather's a bitch simply because she's married to Wes? That's pretty slim evidence. Sounds like simple jealousy to me. But hey, why be jealous when you can instead smear someone else? And besides, even if this guy weren't married, the author wouldn't have a snowcone's chance in hell of hooking up with a famous guy like him anyway. I'm sure he's got way better offers than some deluded pimply fangirl who's got nothing better to do with her time than write bad real people stories that she hopes will come true. (P.S. I myself am sure that Heather is a very sweet lady and I would never call her a bitch unless she did something like sideswipe me, but that would have everything to do with her driving skills and nothing to do with who she's married to).
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3. No honey, there is no hope for you. See footnote #2. And even though we've seemingly shifted from real people fic to fanfic, we really haven't, since it's clear from her note that she's just writing David Boreanaz with fangs and not Angel.
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4. I feel so dirty writing this. I apologize. I really do.
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5. Er, shouldn't that be "You bastard"? Never mind. The guy's never wrong. It's always the other woman's fault.
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6. Well, we switched gears from Wes to Angel pretty painlessly. Guess this means that the story is a. pretty plotless, and b. really about the author, not any of the other characters. Gee, that's awfully fun to read. Why not simply wrap up the first story, then start a new one about Angel? Wait, but that would mean two bad Mary Sue stories instead of just one long one. Oh, the conundrum!
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7. Oh no! Not again!
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Last updated June 13, 2000