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Gabrielle's Lament
Xena's Lament
Writers' Lament
Gabrielle's Lament
(Sung to the tune of "If I Only Had a Brain.")
We could while away the hours,
In a meadow full of flowers
Cuddled up, just me and you
Your itch I'd be scratchin'
And your passion busy matchin'
If I Only Had A Clue.
I know I lack experience
But that won't make a difference
I would learn just what to do
With the talent that I'd show
I could be another Sappho
If I Only Had A Clue.
Oh I could hear you sigh
"Gabrielle!" so amorously.
I'd make you moan and writhe in ecstasy
And then you'd do the same to me!
I would not be such a bimbo
My head still stuck in limbo
My heart I'd give to you
I'd strip you of your armor
Never leave you for a farmer
If I Only Had A Clue.
Xena's Lament
(Sung to "If I Only Had a Heart")
When a gal's a reformed warlord
She can't expect a reward
But it's hard to change your life.
I guess I'm presumin' that I could be kinda human
If I Only Had A Wife.
I'd be tender, I'd be caring, exceptin' when I'm daring
To rid the world of strife
I would battle all the raiders and beat up all the slavers
If I Only Had A Wife.
Picture me -- a balcony, Gabby's voice calls from above
"Wherefore art thou, my love?"
I hear a beat...how sweet.
Just to feel her deep emotion -- affection and devotion
Would pierce me like a knife
I know I could be heroic, even if I'm kind of stoic
If I Only Had A Wife.
The Writers' Lament
(Sung to the tune of "If I only had the nerve." Refrain sung to "We're off
to see the Wizard.")
Yeh, it's sad, believe me, Missy
When you're forced to be so prissy
Without the vim and verve.
We could write a scene romantic
That would rival any fan-fic
If We Only Had The Nerve.
I'm afraid there's no denyin'
The clout of advertizin'
A fate we all endure
We can sneak in some subtext
And we'd love to show what comes next
If We Only Had The Nerve.
Refrain:
We're off in search of Ratings!
The Wonderful Ratings we need!
We walk a line that's awfully fine
To keep our audience pleased.
And if ever, oh ever, the sponsors balk
Then we can say: "It's all just talk!"
Just talk! Just talk! Just talk! Just talk! Just talk!
That's what we say if the sponsors balk!
We're off in search of Ratings!
The Wonderful Ratings we need!
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