Barbarian Rhapsody

Music: "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen
Xena Song Parody by Joan (

Is this the Greek life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide,
no escape from anachrony.
Open your eyes:
The gods in the skies can see...

I'm just a poor girl (ooh, poor girl)
I left my village
And now it's "Xena comes, Xena goes"
Traveling high, traveling low
Any way the plot goes
doesn't really matter to me,
to me.

just killed some men.
I wanted Xena dead
But I razed a town instead.
life is just no fun
So now I've gone to find that Warrior Babe.
Mama, oo-oo-ooh,
Didn't mean to make you cry
If I'm not back in Tart'rus by tomorrow,
carry on, carry on.
Only Xena matters...

Too late, your time has come
Sends shivers down your spine?
That's because that body's mine!

Goodbye, Xena's body
I've got to go
Gotta leave your cute behind and find my own

(Xena and Callisto)
Mama, oo-oo-ooh, (any way the plot goes)
I want her to die
Sometimes wish she'd never been born at all...

[guitar solo]
[funky piano chords]

I see a little silhouette-o of a girl
Gabrielle, Gabrielle, will you do the love tango?
Subtext in the writing,
very very frightening me!
Galileo (Galileo)
Galileo (Galileo)
Galileo Cicero -
Wrong century, oh-oh-oh

I'm just a poor girl, but Xena loves me

(Clueful Viewers)
She's just a poor girl, from a poor family
Spare her a life of het sex-uality!(1)

Xena comes, Xena goes
Will you let me go?

Ismillah, NO! I will not let you go

(Clueless Viewers)(2)
Let her go!

Ismillah, I will not let you go

(Clueless Viewers)
Let her go!

Ismillah, I will not let you go

Let me come!

Will not let you go

Let me come!

Will not let you go

(Clueless Viewers)
Oh let her go-o-o-o!

No no no no no no no!
Oh Mama Hera, Mama Hera,
Mama Hera, let me go
The God Ares
has a warrior put aside for me,
for me,
for me-eee!

[guitar solo]
So you think you can stomp me and make me your ally?
So you think you can beat me - well come on and try!
Oh, Ares
Can't do this to me Ares
Just gotta get out
Just gotta get right out of here.

[guitar solos]

Only Xena matters.

(Clueful Viewers)(3)
Anyone can see.

Only Xena matters.
Only Xena matters
to me....

Any way the plot goes.....

(1) I know, the scansion sucks. You have to remove the second and third syllables of "heterosexuality" and elide the "ua" into one syllable. (Back)

(2) Clueless Viewers = those who don't see subtext (4) (Back)

(3) Clueful Viewers = those who do see subtext. (Back)

(4) Subtext = (in this case) the underlying assumption than Xena and Gabby are in love.

(Back)Back to the Xena Songs Page


D. Joan Leib
Last updated 3 January 2000